How to Make Your Marriage Even Better

On Monday at midnight, Natalie and I both fell into our sides of bed exhausted and overwhelmed. We faced opposite walls and laid there unusually silent. 

A few hours earlier we had tucked in Macy Heart and Hutch, but the night seemed far from over. I went back down to my basement office to work through a pile of emails. Natalie worked with Honey on finishing up homework and then tackled a pile of dishes.

When I came upstairs around 11:30, she said “I have something I don’t want to tell you.” 

My mind started racing.

Natalie said, “Somehow one of the smaller mason jars got stuck in the garbage disposal and I can’t get it out.” 

This was a lot better scenario than the other nightmares my mind had conjured up in that 5-second window, but it was still annoying. I was wiped out from a long day and I’m the opposite of handy. House projects drain me, especially at midnight.

I begrudgingly started working on it and finally removed the jar. It truly wasn’t a big deal, but the unwanted dad-chore was just enough to push me over the edge. I began ranting about how our kids need to do more dishes and take on more responsibilities around the house. At 11:45 pm, I gave my 22-week-twin-pregnant-wife a lecture on how she needed to be a tougher parent. 

It wasn’t my most glorious moment.

I knew I needed to apologize. I wanted to move towards her, but I was ashamed of how I took my stress out on her, so I backed away. Even though her tired eyes were full of grace, looking at her in that moment was like staring into a mirror of my shame. 

I decided to look at my phone instead. It was a less threatening alternative. As I laid in bed reading about NBA playoff predictions, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to turn off my phone and to turn over in bed. I didn’t want to do it. I was unsure of how Nat would respond. And apologizing is humbling and painful. I knew if I waited, I would talk myself out of it, so I just did it. I crawled over the pillows between us, held her, and told her I was sorry. Without hesitation, she hugged me back and undeservingly forgave me. 

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Over the past 17 years of marriage, there have been many nights that haven’t ended that way. Nights we’ll never get back. We’ve spent dozens of hours in counseling offices around town and yet we’re still not “fixed.” We still hurt one another. We still fight. We still need help. 

If you are engaged or married, I imagine that your situation may look similar. Maybe you could use some help navigating how to be in a close relationship with another sinner like yourself.

Over this semester, we have been training 11 couples at Redeemer to become Marriage Mentors. These are not counselors. These are imperfect people who have hearts to come alongside couples and help them grow deeper in unity with one another. Our training has been based on videos by Matt Loehr of Dare to be Different Ministries. He has partnered with Emerson and Sarah Eggerich, the authors of the best-selling book “Love and Respect,” to train couple in churches around the globe in a step-by-step mentoring process. 

Marriage Mentoring is not just for couples in crisis. It’s for anyone who wants to grow closer in the marriages. If you want to get in great physical shape, the best time to do that is before you get super out-of-shape. No matter where you are in your relationship, I highly recommend you taking advantage of this incredible opportunity we have at Redemer. You won’t regret it! 

How It Works

1. If you’re interested in learning more, you can email me or Alice Wolfe. 

2. You can also go ahead and sign up at this link. We ask that you pay $50 to cover the cost of the materials. 

3. Once you sign up, you and your spouse will each be sent a survey that you fill out that will help identify areas you’d like to grow in in your marriage. Those results will be sent back to you and to your marriage mentors. 

4. You will be paired with a mentor couple (feel free to work with Alice on getting a good fit) and then you will set up times to meet with your mentor couple and go through the mentoring process.

Special Thanks 

We are so grateful to Jim and Alice Wolfe for heading up this ministry and to the following couples on completing the Marriage Mentor training. 

• Jeff & Deedee Ungentheim 

• Larry & Lynne Bost 

• John & Naomi Gagliano

• Adam & Brianne Bracken

• Jeff & Deedee Ungetheim

• Ethan & Annie Robert

• Trey & Lori Miller

• Dodd & Becky Drake

• Dave & Kerin Plank

• Drew & Natalie Hill